Time on our side

Or how to claw some back for yourself

Here’s something I didn’t account for when launching Sharp Skirts: how deeply embedded the belief among women is that no one wants to hear from you. Or you don’t have something valuable to say. Or you don’t have the time to devote to yourself.

That last one is the big tomato, as it were; the cherry on top of the sundae of excuses we’ve formed over the course of our lives. Because time, it seems, is the first thing people take from us. Here’s a story for you.

My youngest started college recently, as you’re probably tired of hearing, and last Monday we had a tuition deadline to meet. There were a couple of financial aid credits that hadn’t yet been applied to the bill, so someone needed to address this before we paid up. My daughter, god love her, has just begun her adulting career, so did not make it to the financial aid office in time. When I told her father that one of us needed to call the next day, he replied that he was too busy.

So, as millions of women do on a daily basis, I carved out time I didn’t have and took on the responsibility. Because she is now a legal adult, I couldn’t talk to the office without my daughter’s permission and, yadda yadda, this ‘simple’ task ended up taking all day—I placed my first call at 8am and last one at 2pm. Beyond the literal time it occupied, it also took up a considerable amount of emotional space.

I spent a couple of days actively angry at my ex about it. Why was his time more valuable than mine? Why couldn’t he be the one to find a way to make it work? Why do these things always fall to me? Because… they just do. Because women are the caretakers, the minders, the multi-taskers who take care of every other item on the list before themselves. We can’t selfishly guard our time. If we do, shit ain’t getting done.

This, unfortunately, is not changing. So how do we make room for ourselves on the schedule? It can be done, no doubt. We continually prove that fact. How do we commandeer the time for us that others are so quick to lay claim to?

I think it happens in 3 parts: naming, zoning, and removing.

Naming

First, put a name on what you want to do. “Writing” or “me time” won’t cut it, either. Get specific. This week, my task is to compile the content for my movie book and share it with my accountability partner. This will take an hour-ish because it’s all just sitting there, waiting for me to do something with it.

If you’re not quite ready to be so specific, that’s ok. Your naming may simply be, “Write down 10 sentences of things I know.” What’s important is giving enough shape to your task so that when you arrive at the zone, you can get right into it.

Zoning

Part two is the most important, even more so than the actual doing of the thing. Zoning is a different mindset than just marking time on your calendar. It’s about setting up the traffic cones around your task in your mind. It’s about granting it the importance it deserves and so rarely gets when placed alongside the dentist appointments and bill paying. I need to approach my movie book with the same zeal and fortitude I applied to the financial aid office. Before you scoff, think it through with me.

I know a lot about movies. I’ve been writing a weekly newsletter recommending movies for 3 years. I know the canon in most eras. Movies - they’re my thing! I’m therefore likely to write an engaging, unique book on film, and it could likely become a second revenue stream for me. I could parlay it into a whole other business. The doors this movie book might open even have the chance of making the college financial aid office a moot point. It’s a real thing that could become an even real-er thing. So assigning it the proper zone in my mind and on my calendar is offering myself the opportunity to make more money. Why on earth wouldn’t I accord that the proper respect?

Removing

This one has something of a negative context but… it kind of needs it. I know women and I know me and I know that, given the first opportunity to deny ourselves, we will take it. If I don’t pause notifications, put the phone on do not disturb, and shut the damn door, something will always rear its head to demand my attention. You must remove yourself from your regular environment to get this thing done. Does that mean shutting yourself in your closet with a white noise machine blaring? Fabulous, make it happen. Can you get in your car and drive around for 15 minutes, talking into your voice memos? Oh you bet your sweet ass you can. Do you have a vacation home on the seashore with an extra bedroom for me? I’ll be right over.

It’s much easier for others to peek into our lives and share some insights on how to remove, so PLEASE hit me up for help. I’m really good at hearing about your current life status and making some recommendations. No charge, free and easy, just ask me.

I love all you fabulous women, but I am sorry to report that no one is on their way to hand you a microphone. You have to reach out and grab that shit. And it has to be as important to you as all the rest of it. YOU have to be as important to you as all the rest of it.

Our moments in the sun should be the trade-off, the reward we get for keeping the world running. Let’s claim them.